Humerotica

I’m All Yours, Baby!

But first, here is a short catalog of my sexual expectations.

Congratulations! You have booked your trip to the land of Christine. You’re in for an exciting journey. I’ve prepared this guide to help prepare you for success. I know, I’m pathetic. But this will work better for both of us, trust me. This is how to really make me happy.

Adoration, praise, and awe at my sexiness

1. Touch my skin and tell me you can’t believe how soft it is (I bathe in baby oil every day). Metaphors and similes are good. Is it “like butter?” Or is it “butter.” Either one works. You decide.
2. Press your nose to my skin and breathe in, enjoying the smell of the flowery garden that is me. I have a soap called Sisley that I get from Paris for a hundred dollars a bar. Don’t make me feel like I wasted that money! Lemme know how expensive I smell.
3. Bite your lower lip and look at me through lidded eyes. Like you’re watching a super hot sex show at a carnival or trying to aim your weapon — also at a carnival — you know, one of those shoot-the-balloon thingies? Where you can win the bear? Yeah, I’m the bear. Or the ballon maybe. Either one!

Be super sexy yourself, so I may lavish you with…